When I started this blog one of the things that bothered me was the idea of “Christian parenting.” On their own those words are (fairly) straightforward. Put them together and you are looking for trouble.
That trouble is the idea that there is a specifically Christian way to parent your child, and that the goal of the Christian parent’s life is to figure that out and apply it. I am starting to read Cloud and Townsend’s book, Raising Great Kids, and appreciate one observation from a meeting of parents they attended when writing the book:
“Although people were prefacing their remarks with conversational niceties, I could feel the underlying tension. On one end the spectrum my luncheon partners advocated structure and control at the expense of everything else. To raise and obedient child is the most important thing. On the other end, they advocate love over structure. Having a child feel loved and secure in love is primary. Structure plays a secondary role.
Then there were those who emphasized the sinfulness of children. According to them, if you didn’t seize every opportunity to get control of the little sinners, you would lose them for sure. Still others emphasized the inherent goodness and innocents of children, feeling that they only sin when they have been mistreated by the outside world.
The tone of their voices and the expression on their faces revealed that they saw the other side as the villain.”
I couldn’t help but laugh out when I read this thinking about how well they described the kind of diversity I would get if I put all my friends around the table to talk parenting shop. And although I’d like to think that years of friendship and similarly intense conversations would stave off the antipathy the authors note, I am not sure there wouldn’t be a little bit of smoke coming out of some ears.
One reason is that growing a child is extremely important. In our church, the Mennonite church, our goal is to raise a child who understands as best she can the consequences of the Christian life, even that she may be called to die for her faith, and to accept this life through the sign of baptism. This is a very, very big deal and a charge that would fill me with dread and sleepless nights were it not for the grace of God. Parenting a child towards fullness of faith is no easy task.
Another reason is that parenting is also about community. Cloud and Townsend point out that choosing a different way to parent from your own mother or pastor or best friend is a type of judgment. It’s a difficult dance and one that can end up hurting quite a few people who are close to you.
I don’t have any bold suggestions of ways to make these conversations less intense and more grace-filled. While I like Cloud and Townsend’s suggestion to reframe the parenting question in terms of its goal, raising a child of character, I know lots of people for whom this suggestion wouldn’t be’t adequate. It’s just a tough thing.
